You Remind Me of the Babe
by SpikeDru
Summary: "I wish the Goblin King would come and take you away!" Oops! Angel et al pop back to Sunnydale to perform the Rite of Something Unpronounceable and Buffy gets her most ardous task yet. Spoilers up to DMP and Dad. (WIP revised chapter 1)


**You Remind Me of the Babe**  
by SpikeDru  
feedback - spike@aurelius.fsnet.co.uk  
Rating -PG-13 for later parts  
Category -silliness  
Spoilers -BtVS 6 and AtS 3. Set sometime before **Dead Things** and after **Lullaby** in a huge non-canonical way.  
Disclaimer -I'd like to own Spike. Joss can keep the rest of 'em.  
Distribution - ask  
Summary -_I wish the Goblin King would come and take you away!_   
The McGuffin is that Angel etc are back in Sunnydale and he's brought his dramatic rainstorm with him. 

* * *

**Chapter 1**

The owl drifted by, high in the air, white against the darkening sky. Buffy didn't notice its translucent pale body as it passed by. She was pacing a patch of ground, hard by one of the numerous cemeteries, intent on the print out Tara had given her. 

_The Rite of Something-Unpronounceable. _

The lack of pronouncing was the problem. Everyone had to be word-perfect, come tomorrow night. It was some complex mystical thingy. Wesley - and just when had he got some authority in that spine of his? - was making it very clear that everything had to be just right. Buffy had assured him that she was up to remembering a few lines and then fled the Magic Box. And now she was trying to learn the Rite, in the fading light, and hoping that it would all go away.

"Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City, to take back the child you have stolen." She bit her lip and continued, "For my will is as strong as yours ... and my kingdom as great ...who writes this stuff?"

Dusk was falling fast now, the shadows cooling, and she realized with a sinking feeling that she was now Late.

And sadly not as in the Late Buffy Anne Summers (deceased). 

Her world was based on certain ideas, ingrained behavior. Dusk was supposed to be the time for leaving the house, not returning to it. Tonight, though, she was meant to be at home by now.

She began to run.

*** 

"Hey Buffy, there you are!"

Cordelia was standing on the porch at the front of Buffy's house. Buffy tried to conceal that she had been running, or that she was slightly out of breath. Or soaked from the flash downpour of rain. Or pissed that Cordelia Chase was standing on her porch, in beautiful clothes, all scrubbed up for a night out whilst Buffy, hard-working, back-from-the-dead, rat-haired wage-slave and Slayer, was in for a night of…well, it was too demeaning. 

"Hi Buffy. Thought you'd got caught up slaying for a moment then."

Angel had lost his brood-thang, Buffy had noticed. She's noticed as soon as the three - no, _four_ - of them showed up just before dawn this morning. All that sullen silent stuff had vanished and he was like a hyperactive child. Wes had vanished to the Magic Box, to consult someone else's books, and now Angel and Cordelia - marvel at the idea - Angel and Cordelia were going out for a meal. Together. 

Leaving Buffy with an arduous, unwanted task that was far beyond her skills of abilities. "He's had his feed," Angel was saying, "and I've burped him-"

"Hence the change in jacket," Cordelia interrupted.

It used to be Buffy's role to interject and undercut Angel. She'd been the one gently winding him up. And now Cordy had come along and usurped her. 

"He shouldn't be any trouble at all," Angel finished, handing Buffy a crying bundle of joy, wrapped in a red and white striped romper suit and called Conner.

Once upon a time, Angel would never have left her without a kiss. But that time was gone. 

*** 

Conner was crying.

He had a good set of lungs on him and he was letting the neighborhood know. He had been for at least an hour. Buffy was starting to wish Dawn and Willow hadn't gone out as well. Then Buffy could have left her little sister to deal and gone out to slay vampires. Any vampires. Especially aggravating blond ones with dangerous lips or stupid-haired ones with babies. 

Buffy held Conner close and jiggled him slight as she paced the room. 

"_Hush little one and don't you cry, and I will sing a lullaby._ Well, I would if I knew the words to any."

Clearly, the monks had forgotten that aspect when they rebuilt their memories but then you couldn't expect reality-distorting monks to remember everything. 

And Conner was still crying.

"Oh hush."

*** 

Somewhere, a goblin opened its eyes.

"Listen," it said. 

***

"OK, wanna story? I can do stories."

Buffy had put Conner into his portable crib and tried tickling his belly. He was still crying. She'd changed him already and let him stick his fingers up her nose which seemed to be a favourite pasttime for babies. He'd stopped for a moment when she had waved the big fluffy teddy that was, she had been assured, called Dino at him. Then settled in for a protracted wail. She'd had to pick him up again.

Buffy had faced ancient vampires. Her own lover. Evil local politicians. Patchwork monsters and a God. All of whom she would fervently prefer to be dealing with right now.

"Once upon a time there was a princess and she was the most beautiful in the land. And she wasn't Cordelia who I can't help but notice is acting very like a mommy to you. No. This princess was blonde. And she loved her prince so very much but then a wicked curse came and she had to fight him...hey...I'm telling you about your daddy, quit crying and listen." 

***

There was a mass of goblins. All crushed together. And all of them were listening now. 

***

"God, Conner, what does it take? If you don't quit crying, I'll say the words. I will. And I'm the Slayer. I have powers."

Outside, the rainstorm returned with a crash of thunder. 

***

"She's going to say it."

"Say what?"

"Shush."

***

Exhausted by now, Buffy was close to tears. "Oh, Conner, stop it. You little monster. Why should I have to put up with this? You're not my responsibility. I ought to be free, to enjoy myself. Stop it! Oh, I wish ... I wish ..."

Conner rather unexpected shut up. Buffy paused, staring in shock at the suddenly silent baby. She put him gently back into his crib, checking Dino was in place near his feet. She sat back on the sofa and closed her eyes, just for a moment.

"I wish the goblins _would_ come and take you away," she murmured as she fell asleep. 

***

"She said it!" 

***

Thunder crashed again, the room flashing briefly white, and the lights flickering. Then they died as the power grid failed. Moonlight briefly lit the room as the stormclouds scudded over it.

Buffy jerked awake.

Conner was still silent. 

Something was off though, something sending her Slayer-senses all wiggy. She got up, approached the crib. She could see the top of Dino's furry head, sticking up from within the cradle. She kept sensing there was something on the edge of her sight though, something scurrying about the room. Her first duty was to the child, though, and she ignored it for the moment.

Conner was gone.

Buffy stared in horror at the empty bed. Dino stared back at her. 

The front door crashed open. 

She whirled, expecting attackers. In the darkness, she glimpsed bleach-blond hair and relaxed. "Oh, it's you."

He stepped forward, so she could see him in the flickering moonlight. He was in a black silk shirt that was more like a blouse, wide sleeves caught in tight cuffs. And breeches. Tight gray breeches and knee-high black leather boots. Black gloves. The silver chain about his neck glinted. She raised an eyebrow but resisted comment.

"I have saved you," Spike said. "I have liberated you from those bonds that distressed you and frightened you. You're free now, Buffy." 

"Oh, no. I don't want to be free," she answered. "I mean, I do, but -- I want Conner back." 

Spike smirked. "What's said is said." 

"But I didn't mean it," Buffy replied quickly. 

"Didn't you, now?" 

"You know I didn't. Where is he?" 

Spike chuckled. "You know very well where he is." 

"But..."

"You're not in the habit of saying things you don't mean, are you Slayer? I mean, if you are about to suggest that, then I might start thinking some of the others things you have said to be me aren't true either."

He had stepped closer. Close enough that she could see his gaze on her. Bright, sharp, predatory eyes. 

"I need to get Conner back," she said, holding her ground. "What have you done with him?"

"Nothing. I've brought you a gift."

He'd produced a glass ball from somewhere, small and bright. It rolled like quicksliver as he turned his hands about. He flicked it up so that it balanced on his finger tips. The blue made her think of his eyes. Cool and alluring. 

"What is it?" She bit her lip after she had asked it. She should never show any signs of temptation before him.

"Dreams. Your dreams. Don't you want them?"

She stared as the globe whiled in his hands, faster and brighter. She wasn't even sure what she dreamed of anymore. Not since she'd come back. Not any dreams that would glow and bathe her in light. "I'd rather have Conner back."

The globe vanished.

"Very well," Spike pointed at a clock on the wall, "you have thirteen hours."

Buffy realized she wasn't in her living room anymore. As she'd watched her dreams being played with in Spike's hands, they'd moved to a moor, high above a huge plain. Spike was striking one of his Big Bad poses in the freshening night breeze.

On the horizon Buffy could see a rather gothic looking castle and between it and her was the Labyrinth. She knew she had to make it to the castle. It was the way such stories worked. She glanced back over her shoulder towards Spike as she started towards the gates. Only to realise he had vanished.

"Who died and made _him_ Goblin King, anyway?" 

TBC 


End file.
